thoughts

Getting back to life after the break up

The world went crashing down around me. My pain became overbearing and nothing mattered anymore. I was broken, everything was broken and he took my happiness with him. I dig deep – I can’t find any left inside me. I stopped writing. Everything I could say was filled with anger and negativity. The black river of betrayal, tears, amazing memories and hurt was flowing through my wounds. I am still broken. I still walk the streets crying randomly and sad scenes in the movies make me cry way more than they were supposed to.

Only few things made me feel better:

  1. Cutting off the contact. We decided to stay friends, but it was so painful and I was so ashamed of myself that I cut the contact hoping he’ll beg me to stay in his life. He never did and had completely different point of view, but about that later. It turned out that the break was probably the reason I was able to see him and say the last goodbye. If I stayed in contact with him, I would have probably driven him away. It is still hard for me to communicate properly, I still assume the worst of the worst and it is still unclear how often should I text him – I need him more often than he needs me. It’s unbelievably painful not to talk to someone you learned to send good morning and good nights texts to even if it wasn’t my thing before.
  2. Reddit BreakUps group. Everybody needs support during the hardships. I am completely alone in this huge city and I barely had any energy to talk to people, not even speaking about making friends with somebody new. This group is filled with heartbroken but amazingly supportive people. I was sometimes harsh, I sometimes felt the pain of others, but it helped me during the worst of times. My closest friend is happily married and enjoys her life. I may have also been too proud about my relationship. It hurt to see that my fairytale fell apart while her’s was still on. I am still not ready for the relationshipy stuff.
  3. Moves, TV shows, mostly silly and breakups related. I got into habit of hearing a sound when I fall asleep. I usually don’t like sounds but I needed anything to get my mind of my thoughts. Few worth mentioning:
    – Friends (dare not to know?). The ultimate show.
    – Forgetting Sarah Marshal (movie)
    – Lola Versus (movie)
    – Bored to Death (TV show)
    – Cashback (movie)
    – The sliding doors (movie)
  4. Positivity quotes. Mornings were the hardest. I read that’s because we haven’t blocked our most sincere thoughts yet and they are crawling out after the night. I started following several positive quotes groups on facebook of which my favourite are:
    Peaceful mind peaceful life
    WordPorn
    The Idealist
    3am Thoughts
    Lessons Learned in Life
  5. Eating well, taking care of yourself, getting to work. Oranges are filled with sunshine and positivity vitamins. Yeah, there’s no scientific backup for this, but when your soul is bleeding, you need anything to feel better. Of course, my other go to was salty and crunchy foods.
  6. Feel the emotions and let yourself do whatever you feel like doing. I didn’t push myself to any direction. I let myself be sad, be angry, I didn’t try to hide my emotions, I spend any amount of time in my pajamas, bed, hugging my laptop or just blindly watching whatever I have. I was a happy person on the surface, but I was dead inside only because I felt like it. I was sad to those I wanted to be sad to. I managed to do my job with a smile and I was okay with it. There’s no reason to make everyone around me feel miserable just because I feel like shit.
  7. Self-help books. You need answers, explanations, get back to yourself. I read one about breakups and divorce, which didn’t really apply to me and didn’t help. Then I read something else about adapting to change: “Who took my cheese”. It’s short and nice story. I read “The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want To Leave” by Bob Grant, which helped me realize that I am amazing already. I didn’t screw up in this relationship. This was the second time reading this book. I think I took enough from my first one. Only after I spoke with my ex about what happened, he assured that it wasn’t me. Not at all. This is the reason I still have hope. None of us ruined it. And I hope none will ruin the friendship thing we try to do while there are countries and waters separating us now.

Other tips are very well known, just google any random blog.  Like making yourself go outside even if it’s just going to the nearest coffee shop and browsing Internet. Meeting friends, which didn’t apply to me. I don’t have any here. I met just one other girl, which was nice, but every time I missed my ex double the amount I missed before. What else? Grieving. Well, it was all I was doing.

X. I took a trip alone to make myself feel better. And you know what? I felt horrible. I wanted to share every single moment with him and I couldn’t even text him. I was cold, I felt lonely (although I love traveling alone) and I cried myself to sleep when I got back home. I wasn’t ready for this, but you never know until you do.

XX. I downloaded Tinder. Don’t know why. I thought that maybe I will meet someone to talk to, connect with anyone just like I connected to my ex. Simply opened the door. But now I realize that I wouldn’t hookup, wouldn’t rebound with anyone. After my first real relationship that was something that helped me to get over my ex, because he was the first guy I was ever with. I didn’t love him anymore, but I didn’t know any other men and it seemed like he was my only choice to be in a relationship. It hurt more not to lose him, but to be out of one. This time it was different. I knew what I wanted and needed. Just him. Nobody else. And I still don’t want and won’t need anyone else until it is someone special. And I am okay with that. Until then, I will work on everything that matters to me.

XXX. Mind games. Don’t do that… I think I suffered more than had to because of that. But on that in another post. I have several excerpts ready and I want to get back to writing.

XXXX. Change your perspective. Two days ago there was a terrorist attack on London Bridge. People were killed, stabbed, parents lost kids, kids lost their parents. My mom recently lost my dad, a husband of 27 years. That is bad. She’s now all alone, still grieving. I wouldn’t even think about any of those old lonely men that are left at the age of 50 in a small town. You mourn the loss, but the loneliness hits with all its power. You created a life, a family, built home with this man and now all you have is complete solitude and no purpose. My 5 months relationship ending is nothing compared to these things. He didn’t die, he chose to go away. Maybe he’ll choose to come back. He didn’t do any harm. I am simply sad because what was no longer is. The change itself hurts. Being alone again hurts.

Maybe these thoughts will help somebody else or maybe help me again during my next heartbreak. They say: “if you fell in love once, you’ll fall in love again. You are simply capable of that”. I don’t think I will ever meet anyone that amazing again or have such special relationship. I will probably always wait for him to come back. And if he does, this will be the most special thing in my life. My life’s story. My movie. And I know he’ll break my heart again when he meets someone else, closer to him, but being so open to someone else… It’s real, it’s amazing. That’s why it hurts so much. Because it was good as much.

Be careful with your wound. Do whatever you need to protect it. Let it heal. Of course it hurts, but would you give up everything you had just not to be hurt? Would you rather never had what you had?

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