thoughts

Blogging is a form of meditation. Dealing with my current issues

Who said these words? Leo Babauta. Just in case you wanted to know.

It’s weird. This is a quite obvious statement, but my head is so cluttered that I cannot come up with new concepts, ideas, pretty much anything. I’ve read tons of articles/books about time management, self improvement, communication and building friendships, ways to conquer shyness and social anxiety, de-cluttering and minimalism, positive thinking and law of attraction, eating healthy and exercising, learned many phrases in German and Spanish, even built up my confidence and energy, read how to be free, saw hundreds of pictures of girls in style and good makeup and yet I still do the same smudged eye-liner and mascara, saw thousands of great pictures of people and yet I still can’t pose properly in pictures. I read so much, but where all that is when it comes to reality and daily lifestyle?

I am not quite myself these days. Fear and negativity tries to enter my life. I feel so angry about everything and can’t sort out my emotions. And when I ask myself: “WTF?”, I can’t come up with an answer. I am afraid and weak now. Afraid and weak, why?

To answer this question, I need 2 bullet points, starting with an answer and followed by a possible solution (because I am a problem solver, not a complainer):

☯ The unknown makes me feel weak. I am in no control of anything going on in my life.

Which is: 
– I can’t control whether or not they invite me for a job interview
– I can’t control whether or not they take me to work with them
– I can’t control whether or not I find a perfect room to move in the next week
– I can’t control whether or not my boyfriend stays with me and chooses to conquer the world together
– I can’t control whether or not the person I want to be friends with will want to be friends with me
– I can’t control whether or not London streets are flooded with cars and people

BUT:
– I can control my reaction to things
– I can control how much effort and hard work I put into things
– I can decrease my expectations for people to behave in a certain way
– I can try my hardest and grow this way even though someone won’t accept me. Maybe it is not meant to be. Maybe it wasn’t my place.
– I can build happiness and positivity around me giving me strength to endure everything I can’t control
– I can change my attitude towards environment and take it as it is, without prejudices. Take London as the busiest city I’ve ever seen. Take it as a plain land without the mountains. Take it as a shallow city where people work their asses off to survive and later get drunk to forget the struggles.
– I can channel my anger as something positive. Maybe write. I can dig deeper and find sources of my anger and fix the very fundamental issue.

There’s so much I can do right now even though I can’t control the outer aspects of the situation. I can only control myself, my attitudes, my actions. Addition to that, here’s a tip:

“Be proactive to give yourself strength.” – said author of this blog. Me, whoever I am. 

When you take action instead of sitting on your ass, waiting and worrying, you gain strength and inspiration. You are in control of your life. It doesn’t mean to try to change other people. This doesn’t work, it’s not in your power to change someone else’s actions. It doesn’t last. You just ruin things for both parties. Weakness comes when you give your life into somebody else’s hands (employer, parents, significant other?). Is that job the only way out? It never is. I am in London, city is full of opportunities. Is a perfect apartment the only thing that will bring me safety? No, if I can’t find something I don’t like, I can move out and keep looking with time on my hands. The unknown, that I will end up in a depressing place, somewhere new, scares me. But I had lived in many places that at first were scary. I got used to all of them very quickly. We, humans, love the familiar, fear the unknown. This brought me so much stress.
{Unfortunately I still can’t say that losing this boy will not affect me. I am in love and when you care about someone, losing that person changes you a lot. I will hurt, but I will become stronger later. Maybe I will learn to love in a way I can let go and not chase someone. Maybe I will learn to love in a way I don’t have to be with that person every waking moment. Maybe I will learn to know that this perfect person is not so perfect and I will find someone to love again.}

But let’s not forget. I moved to London to seek new, leave my comfort. By the way, that was the comfort itself that scared me: comfortable safe job crushing my soul every day I see the building I will be in for the next 9 hours. Comfortable home where I sit and watch TV shows, read and eat. Comfortable life when I never meet anyone new and spend my days alone or with the same people that do not excite me anymore, the same people who are so deep in the comfort that they are so fulfilled with dull existence which also doesn’t excite me. So I quit that, I come here and now I feel weak and pretty much destroyed. Maybe that’s good. Maybe I will rise after this as a beautiful human being. I am writing after all. Finally pursuing something that was deep inside me since the childhood.

So where’s the second bullet point?

☯ The same unknown makes me feel afraid, but also losing the safe haven. My boyfriend. I expressed my thoughts to him last night. And the last thing I realized was that I don’t want my fears and insecurities to ruin everything we still have left. Even if I have to let him go find everything that will make him happy, I must do it. I may not be happy with it, I may be so afraid to stay alone, have no one to hug, no one to confide in, but fears are just emotions I must let pass through me and leave. I can only take control of my actions (see the bullet point above).

Coming to a new city trying to build my life alone is freaking scary. But not impossible though. More challenging, but there’s nothing I can’t deal with. I really got used to having someone making everything less scary. But having him does not make things for me. I still have to work. My boy only brings me so much happiness (and recently fear and sadness). I am afraid to lose this cup of happiness. Like losing something so precious. People are the hardest thing to find, one of the easiest things to lose. Especially for me.

My fear also very much affects everything I do and the way I talk. I don’t want it to run my life anymore. I was so sure this boy is my one and I am his. Maybe we will meet in the future. Maybe he will come back to me. Maybe he’ll realize he will stay here with me in London and is not ready to leave it yet. I am afraid way ahead of time ruining everything right now. That’s what fear is. Maybe it’s time to let it go just as I let go of fear to be hurt in this relationship when I accepted him in my heart. And there’s not a single moment I would take back. It is not perfect, but it brought me so much happiness, pushed me to leave my country and finally start my life the way I wanted it to be. Maybe all I needed was that. Maybe his part was just that. Or maybe he’s part will be to bring joy into my life for a long long future. Who knows, but the unknown is not the reason to let fears completely run your life.

I came with my goals and with myself. I didn’t come for the boy. Now it’s his turn to choose.


And that’s my meditation today.

In the middle of writing this I got a call from my mom. It really brought another type of issues into my life, but because I have written so much down, put my thoughts in order, I am so much more peaceful now. So sure of myself and who I am. Even though I made her cry and she left to soak in her sadness (I was offering to have a proper conversation which she rejected), it’s completely her choice. I don’t control her and she doesn’t control me. We are like two magnet poles pushing each other away, yet trying to be close. It just doesn’t work. I think I am learning to accept this. Taking things as they are. Next step may be improving this, but still not going against who I am.

And because I was sure of myself and my position, she didn’t like it and felt hurt. She sees me as someone, who I am not. She wants me to be that someone. And when I am not, she is hurt and cries. This is some sick way to communicate. Maybe more on that later.

P.S. Do you like my picture? This is me from my last trip to mountains. Crazy miss those places. It was hard as hell, but I pushed myself so much further. And it was sooooo hard. I should never forget that.

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