You probably don’t know yet that I moved to London to find myself. I was deeply unsatisfied with my life there which seems to continue here…. I haven’t changed. I was different in Alaska with all those amazing people and great company, but I am still alone in London, still looking for myself, still trying to get the job.
And yes, it’s deeply depressing to be stuck in the same routine, the same lifestyle as before. But I moved to challenge myself, to get OUT THERE, to see the world, start exploring. Simply traveling for a day or a week is not enough to grow any change in the soul. I had to move, I had to quit that old unsatisfying lifestyle and maybe start something new.
And I did. Well, first I experimented with food and diets. But that’s also an old story.
I eliminated all the memories hurting my soul (mostly from my past relationships).
I also escaped everyone who might see me as a loser, because I am ashamed of not having a social life. I don’t have a social life here either, but I want to build it with time. I have a reason not to have friends here: I am new, I am looking for home and a job I would like. And here are several million people to choose from. I must find someone!
I am looking for happiness and fulfillment. For this reason I had to leave my old culture and habits behind. I did brought some of that here too, but hopefully not for long. Most of all, I had to move to see and do more. Get out of my comfort zone, learn English (which I am doing), grow stronger (I hope I will because these days I realize how weak and one dimensional I am). This is for the good.
So what happened today was… I found a perfect job for me. Made the first interview happen and pushed through all the tasks, had to record and listen to my own voice which is, everybody knows that, weird. Despite that I went on and on, and didn’t hear anything from them for a while. I got stressed and had some panic attack [see my last post].
But for my surprise, yesterday, I got a message that they have a task for me for today. I freaked out at first. Later practiced phrases, words and naming. This morning I made myself a sandwich, had some decaf tea (to avoid stressed and anxiety caused my caffeine) and peacefully went to do the task.
And oh my god… I don’t know which is worse: anxiety and stress or head cracking pain for the lack of coffee. This happened to me before. But tomorrow I have no plans for the day (except seeing my lovely boy who shouldn’t cause much pain) so I will try to quit this crazy life ruining habit of drinking coffee. Seriously, emotionally I felt fine. Physically, the unbelievable headache, physical weakness, almost-fainting… I wasn’t even hungry which is extremely weird for me. A bag of chips which lasts more than 2 days? That’s a first! Unfinished pot of food? That is unique. (I am not fat or something, but I usually finish my food with great delight… I like food, especially low cal which is the case with my homemade meals).
Anyway, I almost died today and started to dislike London a bit more. I paid more to travel with subways and save an hour there and an hour back, but it still took me about 5 hours of total travel. HOW??? And trust me, it wasn’t productive time at all. Well, on my way to the job site I read and memorized my stuff. On my way back I could barely stand and couldn’t wait to finally reach home and put my head into a freezer.
Hehe, lots of complaining.
Anyway, the most important thing… and sort of disappointment.. On my way home I was thinking if this is the thing I really want to do. Did I enjoy it? Could I do it for months and months ahead? I still have to learn a lot and I would be happy to learn. But this first task in this barely bare-able pain was so hard, so long, travelling around London crushed my soul.
But when I was finally home working on pictures, not listening to my recording, I felt happy with the task. I liked the solitude, the independence, I liked arranging the pictures and I like being outdoors, away from computer, seeing the city. Will it help me grow? In some ways maybe. I will still need to organize my life around this hectic schedule (if they give me the job), but it’s all manageable.
It was tough, but it was the very first day… They are not supposed to be easy. Also, you are not supposed to quit after the very first day because it was hard. Give it some time, let it sync in, take everything you can from it and only then move on.
So, there’s no big lesson here. I only wanted to rant a bit and this post will travel to a diary section.