thoughts

First mental breakdown in London. About love and fear

I proudly stated that after I quit my country, my job and moved to London there wasn’t a single time I woke up in cold shivers or petrified about what have I done. Let me make sure, I still don’t regret. I am happy I made this massive change in my life I never thought I have enough guts for. Apparently I do and this inspires me to go on, do what I came here for.

But two days ago it was slightly different. It was Sunday evening, I felt like my relationship is falling apart (and I am nuts about that boy). I haven’t heard anything about my job prospect (which is just a prospect and it will take a lot of time until I start making money, but it doesn’t allow me to have a second job, because of its random schedule). I haven’t made a single friend in the last 2 months here, that feel like 3 or 4 (and pretty much 26 years of my life). I am ashamed of myself because of this. And also I must move out, find another place/room/bed and because of being unemployed and this crushed dream to live with my boy I felt so hopeless. My chest started burning, my tears started falling, fear paralyzed my brain and body. For the first time in my life I experienced a panic attack. I felt Earth slipping from under my feet and couldn’t see anything good about everything what is going on. Fear, doubts, misery took over…

“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief”
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Not money, not things, not even a job brings joy into one’s life. It’s people, friendships and love. And when you suddenly start to lose the later, everything else doesn’t matter anymore. Even if I am a loner, independent, introvert, shy homebody, I still need people and still care about few of them. This mental breakdown started to happen because the most pleasant, the most significant area of my life started falling apart together with all other areas. And that is totally normal. VALUES! PRIORITIES! Not money, not partying, not stuff, but people! Losing important people is the most heartbreaking thing shattering the rest of the world. We are social animals stronger together, constantly seeking for partnership to feel safe, loved, happy. Denying that is a problem #1.

Finally, all heartbroken I texted my boy saying that I don’t know how to talk to him anymore and I am afraid to lose him. This one open moment changed the day… We talked and soon I felt so much stronger. He made sure I am not losing him and he doesn’t want to lose me. That’s everything I needed to hear. My panic subsided, I cried a bit more, but soon stopped. And I was happy that I was open, I took what I needed, I said what I felt. I was in fear and doubts, reading stupid woman magazines online trying to figure out the relationship with their advice. I have no idea about relationships. They’re so easy at first and later… What is going on later? Why does it always become so complicated? Is it just how it is, or it’s not meant to be if it’s a bit harder? This is the moment where most people break up because they believe everything must be easy to work. But as long as you care about the person, you must try.

Lesson #17: separate love from fear.

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
John Lennon

Don’t do things based on your fears because that’s how you lose yourself. I was in a relationship with my biggest fear to lose him. Even though, I didn’t love him and I was afraid to say it even to myself, I couldn’t bear a thought to be alone. As I said, no friends. Don’t let your fears take the steering wheel. It never ends well. Of course we broke up and first few days (I didn’t love him so it was quick) were horrible. Soon after I started living my own life. Not the life I was building to suit HIS needs and desires. We didn’t match, our values were different, our tastes and likes were different. We didn’t do anything together. We didn’t like anything other person liked. I didn’t even want to have sex with him, but enjoyed not being alone. It’s so funny right now. It’s so clear right now. And trust me, I felt so free after those first few days of heartbreak. Changes are hard but they always bring something new you can mold into something great. Don’t let your fears impact any of your decisions or you’ll be stuck in misery for the rest of your life never taking anything you want (like my family, and I will want to talk about it later, because family affects many areas of my life). I was stuck in fear so many times and only when I pushed through I became happier with my life.


While writing this blog post I realized that main motivation in my life is fear.

Fear of living my life in misery and wasting my time away. I don’t hear my heroes talking about fear as their motivation. People learn to live with fear and then settle down. What if your motivation is desire to be somewhere and be someone? Are you hustling then?

And suddenly I understand that my motivation is the reason I am not achieving anything. I have many desires, but I still feel quite comfy watching TV shows and movies that distract me from my fears.

I am afraid that I am a loser ….Eh, I’ll just watch this TV show and eat snacks until I feel better.

Yeah, right! Later I feel too tired and have too low energy to do anything. Goddamn.

I have so many dreams and desires (as you can see from my mind map in my previous post). Go away fear. Fuck you, fear! I want to be a writer and live the life of freedom and choice! I want to know perfect English grammar and write inspiring posts! I want to find myself and help people find themselves.

I want to be free and inspire people to become fulfilled and better versions of themselves.

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P.S. There are couple things changing in my blog.

  1. No featured images. It means I am not wasting time looking for some images that would in some way represent the blog post. Minimalism. The only images used here have a purpose to inspire, to spark a joke or to highlight what I am saying. I love images and visuals myself, but I believe they all must have purpose.
  2. I will be using quotes. I believe they are important to know and it is important to know great people from the current world or our history.
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